When I head toward burnout, I lose all lucidity—completely.

I’m used to working hard, but now I’ve crossed a line. I’m working nonstop, and I’ve created this habit so deeply that I’ve convinced myself there’s no other way. I’m obsessed with work. I can’t stand being away from it, and every minute I’m not working, I’m thinking about it and craving to dive back in.

Work has become my master, governing every aspect of my life. When I go to bed, I think about it until I fall asleep, listing in my head everything I must remember to do. Sometimes, I write these thoughts down on my phone or a piece of paper next to my bed to ensure I don’t forget. I tell myself it’s to free up space in my mind, but it doesn’t work—my brain immediately moves to the next thing. It even wakes me up at night.

It’s like my brain can’t stop. I’ve lost any sense of time. Everything must be done now. I wake up feeling already late, even before I’ve started the day. I go over my nighttime lists only to realize some ideas don’t work, others are duplicates, and some are actions I’ve already completed but forgot I did.

I work long hours, eat poorly, barely exercise (if at all), and don’t sleep well. I know my body is tired, but I tell myself I’ve been through worse, so I can push a little longer.

This has become my “new normal,” and it feels very normal to me. People around me don’t understand, and frankly, their concerns annoy me. They’re just getting in the way of me and my work.

I am like Gollum in The Lord of the Rings: obsessed with work, metaphorically ready to lash out at anyone who interferes.

And yet, against my own will, I know I need to break this pattern. 
Because if I don’t, it will break me. 100%.
My worst nightmare will come true: I won’t be able to work at all. All this effort, only to end up unable to function.
Deep down, I know this isn’t healthy. I’m irritable, less productive, and too tired to see the big picture. I’ve become more controlling with my team because work feels like an extension of me—I have to be involved in everything to ensure it meets my high standards.

Long story short, I’m pouring all this energy into work, and it won’t pay off. 100%. 
My worst fears will happen: bad performance ratings, a lower bonus, and possibly even losing my job.

There’s no good reason for this behavior, yet I can’t seem to stop. I feel like a runaway horse, galloping forward uncontrollably until it collapses, exhausted.

So here is what will happen now
I will get back on my feet and learn to enjoy both work and life outside of it.
Right here and right now, I am deciding that this cannot continue. I don’t know how or when yet, but it has to stop. I decide to surrender. 

I don’t want to do this, but we are passed wondering.
I must do this. Otherwise, I will break. 100%.

To break the pattern instead of myself, I need to force myself to stop working. 
And let's be honest. I will hate it - because of plenty of what will sound like good reasons, but are not. And primarily because my toxic habits are so ingrained that extracting them will feel painful. But that pain is my salvation compared to the exhaustion that keeps me trapped.

So here is how to start breaking the pattern

1. Reintroduce activities I love—or used to love.
If I enjoyed running, I’ll start by walking for 10 minutes a day.Yes - walk, not run. My body is tired, so I’ll choose physical activities it can handle. Plus I want to avoid anything that increases adrenaline since I already have enough of that. I need activities that calm me down.
Schedule these 10 minutes in my calendar at the same time every day. Don't think and go for it. And if I double guess myself or take forever to get ready, then the 10 minutes become 15 minutes. Each time I resist, I add 5 minutes. Because I must break my pattern.
Also make sure I don't look at my phone a single time during the walk. Commit to doing it for 3 weeks straight. Not a single exception. 

2. Add one focused activity to calm my mind - as an obligation coming from us
Choose between reading a physical book (no screens) or meditating for 5 minutes daily.
Schedule this in my calendar too and stick to it.
And same as above: if I'm late to start it, then this becomes a 10 minutes exercise. Face any resistance by adding time.
I’ll hate it at first because it feels slow and unproductive. It is also at the opposite of my current behavior, as it will force me to sit down and do something slow. Yet here is the choice: five minutes of focus now, or months of recovery later.

Then over time and slowly, gradually introduce other small habits.
For example: cook one dinner a week if I enjoy cooking, or spend 10 minutes gardening.
Each new habit should be scheduled, achievable, and something I commit to sustain.

Over time and as I feel ready, add more time to the reading or medidating activity that I chose.
Ideally, even add the second one to my calendar. 

At a later stage, intoduce being VERY mindful about my screen time, and in particular on the tablet and the phone. Do not do it too quickly as it will might be too stressful to handle upfront. 
Start putting my phone away during breaks or leaving it behind when I go out (when the time feels right). 

Last, reintroduce quality time with loved ones and notice how my patience grows. Notice how much more I smile and laugh too.

Also reflect on what brought me here once I’ve regained stability. Find my Cold Case and address it (see tips under My Filter in the Puzzle).

This journey won’t be easy, and I won’t like it at first - to say the least!
But it is necessary. 
The alternative is burnout, months in recovery, and losing everything I’ve worked for.

Each small habit I build is a step toward reclaiming my life—both at work and outside of it.
It starts today. I don’t need to have all the answers, but I known one thing for sure: this ends now. Today is the day when I start taking good care of myself.