I used to think discipline was my missing ingredient.

Every failed attempt at losing weight felt like another tally mark against me. I believed the story that if I were strong enough, focused enough, courageous enough — it would work. And it never did.

So when I first heard about this new treatment — effortless weight loss, suppressing hunger — it sounded like hope disguised as science. I lit up. It felt like finally, something had arrived for people like me. For once, maybe life would not demand suffering as the entry fee to being lighter. Could this finally be a dream come through?!

I started reading everything I could. The more I read, the more certain I became. This was it. I called the doctor’s office and even enjoyed saying what the appointment was for. I felt proud.
I heard the secretary’s pause — her tone, cool and unhurried. But I decided to ignore it: this was part of my old life. I was making an appointment to start fresh.

But when I arrived, the dream turned into a nightmare.

The receptionist looked at me the way people do when they think your body is your fault. I know that look — it has followed me for years. It is the look that tells you you deserve the miserable life you have.
But on that day and in that moment, for the first time in my life, I gave someone the look back! I knew why I was here, and I would allow no one to ruin the moment. I could feel all these years where I scrawled against that look, all the frustration and the guilt - all of them were there, feeding me to say stop. Never again. I could feel all that will I had lacked with my previous diets: I had found it.

I could see her making faces as she typed in my form, but I was so proud of myself for giving her the look back that I could not wait to tell my friends!! This was for sure the first day of my new life, and I was so happy to live it!!

Then the doctor — not mine, a replacement — called me in. I had to explain myself all over again. The diets. The shame. The exhaustion of trying. He listened, but not really. His questions dug at me, not to understand, but to disprove. He asked why I had not tried harder. Whether I was ready to tell the world I had chosen the lazy way out.
And at that moment, I heard in my head - loud and clear - YES.
Yes I was willing to choose the lazy way if it would allow me to be on the right tracks. Yes I was willing to tell anyone who would ask how I finally got the help I needed to lose weight. Yes I deserved this treatment like anybody else.

And that YES changed the course of my life, and the course of this discussion.
I heard myself call him "young boy" and that he should be ashamed of his behavior. My voice was not fully assured and I had tears in my eyes, but god I was determined like I never had been in my life.
I shared with him how difficult it was to be me. How I tried to control me but had not succeeded. How dearly I wanted to change. How ready I was to change my nutrition and to start exercise, but that I needed help to get started. That this was not being lazy: this was about being successful for once. This was about showing to myself it is possible, and that I am entitled to this life. That this was the first step of me taking good care of myself, and that I had lost hope it could be possible.
Would I have loved to lose weight just by will? Sure would!! But here I was, looking for solutions because I could not take my extra kilos any more. And if the start of my journey to lose weight was a shot, then so be it I would take it! And that I would not justify myself for it. To anyone.

I looked at him straight in the eyes at the end of my speech.
He was silent and did not say I word. But I could not describe precisely his face because the tears prevented me from seeing well.
At that point I was not so courageous anymore, rather scared of what would happen next. I had never talked to anyone like that, set aside a doctor!

After what felt like an eternity, he took his pen and wrote me the prescription I had asked for.

He walked me to the door still in silence, and as he shacked my hand he looked at me and wished me the best. And added he would not forgot our appointment, and that my speech would help him be a better doctor.
I nodded and left - because I feared I would cry again if I would say another word!

I cried of relief when I reached my car. I knew this was a new beginning. It would be a long way, I would have to change many things - and yet this time, it was going to happen. Today was a huge accomplishment already, and I felt really proud of myself for stepping up. For feeling strong. For believing in myself, and that I deserve a good life too!