I keep wondering what I did wrong to end up in my living room! When I look back at my career, certainly it is not all perfect - but overall I did well. I did my best…. and that idea comforts me. Knowing that, at all times, I tried and had good intentions, keeping both the people’s and company’s best interests in mind.

Also, although I had rough conversations with a few people, there is no one I could not look up in the eyes. We disagreed on what had to be done, and that is OK. Certainly, now that I am older, there are a few things I would change – but at the time I did what I could with what I had.

The challenges, the successes: they both made me. And they are still part of me, job or no job! I lost a job – not what made me good at doing this job. That, no one can take away! My job was made redundant, not me. And that is a big difference: it is not about me, nor about what I have done.

Still, I can’t help think that if I was good enough, then they would have kept me on another job! But is this true? Is this 100% true?! Is every single good employee saved from restructuring plans?! Of course not! Then why think so of me?! Why torturing myself trying to find what I did wrong? I am my own worst enemy! That idea made me smile, and that smile helped release the tension. There is nothing wrong with me – or, as another way to say it: everything is right with me!

I also realized I was polluting myself wanting to know why other people less good or less committed than me kept their jobs! Does it really matter?! Is this answer going to change my life? Some questions have no definitive answers, and these questions are not always relevant either. This is about someone else’s life, not mine. And here, what matters is my life – so let’s focus! I decided to be present and live my life, rather than imagine what others are living. This is about me, no one else. I can’t change what happens to other people or even to myself – but how I live my life, I have power over!

I came back to thinking that I could be fired again. And I realized that this idea was very frightening! I did not want to leave in fear so I decided to dig. Maybe I had a Cold Case?! I kept digging, asking myself plenty of questions but did not end up anywhere meaningful…. In the end, it is true that I could be fired again! It is not just a mental construct. The opposite is true as well: I could remain employed! I came to the conclusion that it was a matter of how I wanted to picture my future. Would I rather be stressed at the idea I could be fired? Or would I rather assume that I would remain in the job?! I have no clue either way: both could happen. But until I would know for sure – either safely retiring, or being fired!; how do I want to live?! I decided to choose light: not knowing for not knowing, I might as well trust my future would be bright! Doubts came back here and there: then I would bring back how safe I would feel once retired, and I would dive into this emotion. And doubts would pass…. Until next time: but then I was equipped: I had my trick to make them go away!

My doubts of not being good enough also tend to come back when I have job interviews. There, to relax myself, I would take a few minutes before the meeting. I would enjoy this quiet moment and consciously breathe in and out. I would also ask myself what I need in the moment – and usually what came to mind was to give myself a big hug! I would do so, and then join the interview being a lot more present and at ease! Ready to give my best. I am here to understand what the person wants, and respond the best I can with my skills and competences. And when I don’t understand, instead of assuming, I would ask!

I also noticed that when my friends and relatives ask about my job search, they are seriously worried about me. They try to hide it, but I see it.....Or maybe I am interpreting what they mean? Because it is not exactly what they are saying.
So last time a good friend asked about my job, and told me that it was time I had an income; I asked my Ego to give me courage and confronted myself with reality. I asked what she meant? She looked at me surprised and she told me that she worried about me. And that she did not know how to help me. She just wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing, and I was not in denial. She made me laugh! She also had been projecting! And then she got me to think: maybe there was a few things I had not tried yet with my job search! So we brainstormed together.

This conversation got me to realize that, at no point in time, she meant something was wrong with me. On the contrary, she wanted good for me. She may not have phrased it the best way, but she meant well. And it felt good to be reassured of it! I was grateful to my Ego I asked.