I had just been hired to create a new department, and form the team that would go with it. I started by recruiting two project managers, who did not know my business - but I thought that I could teach them.

We agreed we would regularly meet, as a team and one to one. That was because we were in a moving environment so we had to keep one another informed, and also because we had not worked together until then. So I felt we had to learn about one another, and also build up trust.

But I noticed too that one of my two recruits came to work more and more moody. I must admit that this is not a behavior I tolerate a lot! I think that if you have something to say, then say it - but don’t pretend everything is well, while giving me attitude! So that is rather a pattern I tend to ignore…. But I was in the mood of trying new things! Plus I was new to this company, so who knows: maybe there was something I was doing wrong?

In our next one to one, I took the liberty to bring it up. I mentioned that I had noticed he smiled less, and I wanted to make sure he was OK. He looked at me surprised, and said yes - in his own depressing way. But as this comment came to mind, I thought I was judging, and maybe projecting my ideas into the discussion. So I decided to be more open, and shared that I felt something was odd - but I could not tackle what it was. But that was not a good move given the reserved style of my interlocutor: he closed up, told me everything was fine and moved to other matters looking clearly dissatisfied.

This conversation got me to think too, as I was getting uncomfortable. Why was his attitude so annoying to me? It is very childish I thought. And why do I find it childish? Because children are the ones that cannot express themselves properly, while adults can. But was that true? Is every single adult able to express themselves well, or have a difficult conversation? OK, not quite! I was being harsh.
Then why was I so puzzled by this behavior? Because I felt it was disrespectful! And why was it disrespectful? Because I did not deserve to be treated this way! When you are in between professionals, you work things out! I felt like I was disregarded! He treated me like a child! And what emotion comes with being treated as a child? It makes me angry! And why does that make me angry? Because I try my best in the office, so I do not deserve to be treated that way. At that point, I realized that I wanted to step up for myself! Until then, I had tried to be empathetic and understanding, but it did not feel right for me! Plus it had not worked with my teammate either, so I might as well put myself first!

So next time we had our one to one, I came in with the firm intention to speak up. The person walked in moody, and so as he sat down I told him that I would not be able to work in these conditions. That I could handle conflicts, though not my cup of tea. But conflict avoidance, and giving me attitude for something you would not even share about? That would not be possible! So either we had an issue, and we would work it out, or he would not be able to remain in the team. We were only a handful, and I did not want to walk on eggs, and have not even a clue why?!
He looked at me, in shock! He said he had no clue what I was talking about. So I shared a few pointed examples about his behavior. And then he exploded! He told me I was incapable of delegating, that I was always on his back checking what he was doing. That he had so many years of experience, and no one treated him this badly. That he could not take it any more!

It came to my mind that it was somewhere funny he felt I treated him as a child, as I felt he did too - for different reasons! I explained to him I felt we needed to know one another better work wise, and that I was not here to control his work - but rather to learn how he was working, and also so that we could adjust to one another. That I felt we were not always aligned yet, but was confident we would over time. He just kept repeating he could not take it, and walked away from the room very agitated.

I informed HR about this conversation - so they could have my version, in case he would go to them too!
And as he had left the open space, I left it there for the day. I was worried what would happen next, and proud of myself at the same time! I was feeling comfortable again, having been able to express myself. And I had not been angry at him the whole time: I managed to remain present and lucid throughout the whole conversation. That was an achievement in itself!!

A few days later, as he kept avoiding me, I asked him for a quick meeting. I asked if he was willing to invest in the relationship to make it work, as I too would. That I would still want to see his work, but if it felt too much then we would talk about it and I would listen. He looked at me, and said that he had made up his mind: he did not see any point in staying in the team. I had destroyed his self confidence, and he would be a lot better without me.
Are you sure I asked? And he was, so I let him exit the team.

Although he only worked for me a few weeks, I will always remember him. This episode showed me that being a manager does not mean that we need to make it work at any cost. That peace in the team is the only outcome to seek for. It showed me that, as a manager, I can also decide what type of behavior I want in my team. And that when it does not suit me, I am allowed to speak up! And if we can’t work it out, then I can change what the team is. It takes two to make it work! It is my duty to make the effort, and try my best. And as I do so in good faith, there is nothing to feel guilty about if it doesn’t work.